Part of my personal mission statement is to acknowledge, inspire and promote authenticity. But how exactly does one become authentic? In my opinion an important part of authenticity is to become more whole and balanced. For example, someone who is very logical and unemotional could become more balanced and whole by integrating the feeling and intuitive aspects of his or her personality. This integration leads to a more balanced and powerful individual.

Our relationships can be used as a tool for uncovering our authentic self. They can help us develop authenticity if we will reflect on the feelings, reactions and judgments that are generated by our interactions with other people. Relationships have a mirror-like ability to reflect back aspects of our own personalities. They can act as a spotlight shining on the the parts of ourselves that may be underdeveloped, ignored or even feared. When used properly, the relationship mirror can be a powerful catalyst into uncovering our true selves.

Think about how we use mirrors in our daily lives. Two examples are that they are used when we’re getting ready to go to work and also before we head out to a snazzy ball. Mirrors guide us by reflecting back where we are in our preparations. Do we have a clean shaven face? Does our tie match with what we are wearing? Is it time for a haircut? The list goes on and on. A mirror directs us to where we are unfinished or not quite right in our tasks. It is also used to see what is behind us and what is out of sight.

When we look at relationships in our lives and use the mirror analogy, it provides us with the opportunity to look into important aspects of our own personality. For example, take John, who has a relaxed attitude, is modest and soft spoken. Now place John in a situation where he has to consistently interact with Sam who is boisterous, loud and seeks to be the center of attention. John is likely to have his “buttons” pushed by Sam. He is likely to have some judgment around the way Sam behaves and he may even get annoyed. These feelings and judgments are a clue! If these feeling come up, its a golden opportunity to look at how John relates relates to the boisterous attention craving aspect of himself. John, the quiet one, may have had to reign in his emotions when he was young. This may have worked for him as a kid, but now it may be holding him back from attaining a more full and enjoyable life. With this newfound knowledge, John can work to integrate the more extroverted aspect of his personality and possibly enhance his own personal power.

There is always a wisdom aspect to “negative” traits that we often forget about. Anger is one such trait. For years I thought getting angry was bad. Additionally, it was scary to think about the anger getting out of control. But the reality is that anger is just energy. It isn’t good or bad in and of itself, but there is a place for anger. There is a wisdom aspect to it. Anger, used in a healthy way, can provide us with energy, strength and power. It can help us develop and maintain proper boundaries and it can energize us to achieve new things. The trick is to be able to integrate anger in a healthy way and to be able to call upon its wisdom aspect when it is necessary in one’s life.

Lets look at another example. In this case a married couple, Steve and Mary, have been together for ten years. Mary is an aerospace engineer who is logical, rational and organized. Steve is a dance instructor who is lively, creative, spontaneous and not very logical. When they first met, they immediately felt whole when they were together. Their respective traits provided a balance in their relationship. This "honeymoon" stage lasted for a couple of years, but finally the very traits and characteristics that were once so balancing became a source of irritation. When Steve was first dating Mary, he was attracted to the stability and logic of his future wife. His life, while spontaneous and exciting, often felt a bit out of control. Mary brought a sense of balance and stability that allowed him to thrive. Now, years into the marriage he was at his wits end. Mary didn’t communicate her feelings well and she always told Steve to calm down when he was passionate about something. The passion brought up feelings of danger for Mary and made her feel uncomfortable which often led her to escape to the safety of her computer and the Internet.

Steve later learned how to take this stressful situation and use it to uncover his more rational logic mind. Please keep in mind, that this is not about Steve squashing the wild creative and spontaneous aspects of himself, but it is about being able to call in the rational, logical and stable wisdom aspects of his own personality. Interestingly enough, when he was able to more greatly develop these aspects of his personality, Mary was no longer compelled to be at the extreme end of logic and rationality. The relationship no longer needed the extreme polarity of their two personalities to generate a sense of balance. When Steve moved closer to balance, it offered Mary the room to move closer to balance also.

Here is how you can use this tool. Imagine someone with whom you have a great deal of judgment around. Stop and visualize this person and how he or she makes you feel. What exactly is it that causes the discomfort, the anger or the judgment? What specific trait is it in the other person? Now ask yourself what is the wisdom aspect of that trait. For example, the wisdom aspect of someone who is very quiet may be an ability to be introspective coupled with the ability to step back and see the larger picture of various situations. Next, ask yourself how it might be beneficial to develop this underrepresented aspect of yourself. Would it bring you closer to authenticity? To Balance? To feeling whole?

You now have a powerful tool that can propel you down your path of self discovery. Good Luck!