By being authentic in the face of a challenging situation, one can move through the experience in a more healthy fashion and thereby uncover more of one’s true self. There are many situations we face that can feel overwhelming. These can range from losing a job, to relationship problems, to health problems, to not knowing what to do with one’s life. Any one of these can bring up strong emotions and feel like a tremendous burden. In my own personal experience, there was a time when my entire future felt like it had been shattered. At that time I felt completely lost and fearful of the unknown.

We may choose to work with these life changing events in any number of ways, or we may choose to not work with the situation at all. We may talk things over with friends and/or family. We may choose to go to a workshop or we may decide to see a counselor. There are numerous possibilities of how we may work with a challenge. What I discovered is that many of the methods I used to work through tough situations were very analytical; very head oriented. In fact, I’ve invested hours and hours in analyzing and re-analyzing my past, my present and any tough situation I may have been experiencing. At times it felt like my mind was a hamster on a hamster wheel - running full out, but getting terribly tired. While this orientation provided some help, I didn’t seem to be able to move beyond the challenges I faced, or when I thought I had moved on, the challenge would return.

Years later a teacher and friend shared a method of working with challenges, a tool if you will, that has been profoundly useful. Its a simple tool. In fact, its so simple I doubted its ability to work. I wanted something more complicated… something like the analyzing I had done in the past. But that would have led me down the same path with the same results I had had in the past. Here is the new process I began using: When you are in the midst of a painful experience, pause, center yourself, and focus your attention on the emotions that are coming up and NOT on the story that is coming up. The story is what our "thinking" mind gives us. Here are several examples in the form of questions of how the story might be generated by an individual: why am I in this situation, what can I do about it, how is it going to impact me, what will other people think, and on and on. Instead of going with the story, sit with the emotions. One of the best ways to explain this is with a hypothetical example.

Lets say I’m involved in a highly emotional discussion with my wife. Afterward I’m distraught and my imagination starts to make up all kinds of stories: she doesn’t love me, we’re going to get a divorce, I’ll be alone, I’ll have to move, will I be alone for the rest of my life.. and so on. In essence, my mind takes over and goes nuts. This type of "processing" is agonizing. Instead, here is how the other method can work. I find a safe quite spot where I can be alone without interruption. I sit and focus on the emotion that is coming up. Sometimes it might be one emotion, such as fear, often times a number of emotions will come up. If its fear, I just sit with the fear. If its anger, I just sit with the anger. This can feel overwhelming. When I first started using this process, often my first reaction was to move away from the pain again. But when I just sat with the emotions, I benefited greatly. Feel the emotions. Acknowledge them. Accept them. If I commit to this, eventually I feel the emotion dissolve. Sometimes its replaced with another emotion. Maybe anger. The process again: sit with the anger, feel it, acknowledge it, accept it, and it too dissolves. Then FEAR come up. Once again, just sit and be with the fear. Don’t get caught up in the story. This process may last only a few moments or it may last for a much longer period of time. One time in my life I sat with emotions coming at me in giant waves. Wave after wave hit me, until finally, I was left feeling clean, clear and at peace. It felt tremendously healthy. Initially, it was easier for me to use this method after a particular situation was over and I had been able to find a quiet spot to sit with the emotions. Now I can sometimes be in the middle of a situation and do some of the work. As I practice, the process gets easier and easier. Without a doubt, one way I have been able to improve my ability to use this tool is by maintaining a regular meditation practice.

The benefits have been a sense of stability, flexibility and openness in my life after consistently using this process. While I’ve always been a big believer in therapy, I have progressed much further on my journey utilizing this simple tool as opposed to analyzing and re-analyzing the story. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out why something is "wrong" and what I needed to do to fix it. While there is definitely a place for this problem solving approach, allowing myself to fully sit and experience the emotions has propelled me forward more effectively than analysis ever has.

Good Luck!

Part of my personal mission statement is to acknowledge, inspire and promote authenticity. But how exactly does one become authentic? In my opinion an important part of authenticity is to become more whole and balanced. For example, someone who is very logical and unemotional could become more balanced and whole by integrating the feeling and intuitive aspects of his or her personality. This integration leads to a more balanced and powerful individual.

Our relationships can be used as a tool for uncovering our authentic self. They can help us develop authenticity if we will reflect on the feelings, reactions and judgments that are generated by our interactions with other people. Relationships have a mirror-like ability to reflect back aspects of our own personalities. They can act as a spotlight shining on the the parts of ourselves that may be underdeveloped, ignored or even feared. When used properly, the relationship mirror can be a powerful catalyst into uncovering our true selves.

Think about how we use mirrors in our daily lives. Two examples are that they are used when we’re getting ready to go to work and also before we head out to a snazzy ball. Mirrors guide us by reflecting back where we are in our preparations. Do we have a clean shaven face? Does our tie match with what we are wearing? Is it time for a haircut? The list goes on and on. A mirror directs us to where we are unfinished or not quite right in our tasks. It is also used to see what is behind us and what is out of sight.

When we look at relationships in our lives and use the mirror analogy, it provides us with the opportunity to look into important aspects of our own personality. For example, take John, who has a relaxed attitude, is modest and soft spoken. Now place John in a situation where he has to consistently interact with Sam who is boisterous, loud and seeks to be the center of attention. John is likely to have his “buttons” pushed by Sam. He is likely to have some judgment around the way Sam behaves and he may even get annoyed. These feelings and judgments are a clue! If these feeling come up, its a golden opportunity to look at how John relates relates to the boisterous attention craving aspect of himself. John, the quiet one, may have had to reign in his emotions when he was young. This may have worked for him as a kid, but now it may be holding him back from attaining a more full and enjoyable life. With this newfound knowledge, John can work to integrate the more extroverted aspect of his personality and possibly enhance his own personal power.

There is always a wisdom aspect to “negative” traits that we often forget about. Anger is one such trait. For years I thought getting angry was bad. Additionally, it was scary to think about the anger getting out of control. But the reality is that anger is just energy. It isn’t good or bad in and of itself, but there is a place for anger. There is a wisdom aspect to it. Anger, used in a healthy way, can provide us with energy, strength and power. It can help us develop and maintain proper boundaries and it can energize us to achieve new things. The trick is to be able to integrate anger in a healthy way and to be able to call upon its wisdom aspect when it is necessary in one’s life.

Lets look at another example. In this case a married couple, Steve and Mary, have been together for ten years. Mary is an aerospace engineer who is logical, rational and organized. Steve is a dance instructor who is lively, creative, spontaneous and not very logical. When they first met, they immediately felt whole when they were together. Their respective traits provided a balance in their relationship. This "honeymoon" stage lasted for a couple of years, but finally the very traits and characteristics that were once so balancing became a source of irritation. When Steve was first dating Mary, he was attracted to the stability and logic of his future wife. His life, while spontaneous and exciting, often felt a bit out of control. Mary brought a sense of balance and stability that allowed him to thrive. Now, years into the marriage he was at his wits end. Mary didn’t communicate her feelings well and she always told Steve to calm down when he was passionate about something. The passion brought up feelings of danger for Mary and made her feel uncomfortable which often led her to escape to the safety of her computer and the Internet.

Steve later learned how to take this stressful situation and use it to uncover his more rational logic mind. Please keep in mind, that this is not about Steve squashing the wild creative and spontaneous aspects of himself, but it is about being able to call in the rational, logical and stable wisdom aspects of his own personality. Interestingly enough, when he was able to more greatly develop these aspects of his personality, Mary was no longer compelled to be at the extreme end of logic and rationality. The relationship no longer needed the extreme polarity of their two personalities to generate a sense of balance. When Steve moved closer to balance, it offered Mary the room to move closer to balance also.

Here is how you can use this tool. Imagine someone with whom you have a great deal of judgment around. Stop and visualize this person and how he or she makes you feel. What exactly is it that causes the discomfort, the anger or the judgment? What specific trait is it in the other person? Now ask yourself what is the wisdom aspect of that trait. For example, the wisdom aspect of someone who is very quiet may be an ability to be introspective coupled with the ability to step back and see the larger picture of various situations. Next, ask yourself how it might be beneficial to develop this underrepresented aspect of yourself. Would it bring you closer to authenticity? To Balance? To feeling whole?

You now have a powerful tool that can propel you down your path of self discovery. Good Luck!

Happy New Year!

This site is about discovering and pursuing an authentic life. Its about being real. Its about pursuing what you love and discovering your purpose or your mission in life. Part of that involves planning and goal setting.

I look at the new year and I see a crystal clean canvas that can be filled with wonderful experiences. Its a time for renewal. Its a time to wield the awesome power of choice. The choices I make now will impact the way I live my life today, next week and continuing on into the year. If I choose to focus on the things that I value I cannot help but create positive experiences and positive outcomes. So, where do I start?

For the last few days I’ve invested time into creating a list of wishes/wants/goals. These range from projects and goals I want to accomplish to new skills and knowledge I want to learn. These also encompass things I want to acquire and people I want to meet. It is a long list. At final count I’m on item one hundred thirty five.. The list of goals naturally fall into various categories. As I read through my list, I see wishes that are centered on health, finances, professional development, relationships, etc. The list is long because I wanted to get away from my ‘thinking’ mind and delve into my more intuitive center. This is the place where the pat answers begin to fade away and the struggle to write down the next wish leads me to new or exciting places. By stretching in this way, I have allowed myself to delve more deeply into who I am, what I represent, and what I value. I also move closer to the feelings and experiences I wish to create for the year.

During the process I found myself at times closing my eyes and urging myself on. A pep talk if you will. I’d say, “Dave, what do you want? If you could have whatever you want, no holds barred, no limitations, what would that look like?” Whenever I’d get stuck in trying to generate another wish/goal, I’d repeat this and try to move deeper into what I really want from life.

By making this list of wishes, I learn more about myself. I become clearer about what I want from life. Some of the items are kind of crazy, some will likely be useful and some are golden. Will every one of the 135 ‘wishes’ be a goal I choose to pursue? No, but I have without a doubt learned more about myself.

It can be exciting to have such a large list and it can also lead me to spread myself too thin. Which wishes shall I focus on? Knowing myself, I can easily get out of balance. I can focus so much of my time and energy on one aspect of my life that other other aspects will be harmed. This hasn’t been healthy for me. So, I choose a few major ‘wishes’ for each of the various roles and categories of my life in order to promote some balance.

After this I visualize exactly what I want my life to look like and what experiences I wish to have as a result of accomplishing these goals. Each goal is broken down into various steps or projects. When each of these small steps are accomplished, I naturally move closer to achieving my visualized end result. Not only does this provide me with a simple step-by-step blueprint, but it also allows me to feel good about achieving the mini goals that are needed to achieve the BIG goal.

After getting this far, I find its critical to keep my goals and action list nearby. In addition to keeping it in my computer, I create a 3-ring binder for my blueprint so that I can always have it at hand. This binder will be kept at my desk and will be reviewed several times a day… possibly many times per day. By reading through this blueprint often, it becomes a part of me. It becomes ingrained in my thinking. It allows me to focus more thoroughly on accomplishing each goal because I will always know what I can be doing to move myself closer to achieving my goals.

In order to become authentic I feel it is important to invest time and effort into creating a mission statement. This will be the blue print for what you wish to achieve in your life. It will also be an essential tool for making decisions. Simply ask the question: “Will this move me toward achieving my mission or will it move me away from achieving my mission?”

Once you start living according to your mission you may want to leverage your efforts by learning how to ask for what you want. Ask for help, ask for support, ask for money, ask for a cookie. Ask for what gets you closer to achieving your mission.

A book I strongly recommend is The Aladdin Factor by Jack Canfield. It is a powerful lesson on how to get things done, improve your life and move toward achieving your goals. The bottom line is that you need to learn to simply ask for what you want!

Jack Canfield states in the introduction that there are five major barriers to asking for what you want:

1. Ignorance of not knowing you can ask for what you want and ignorance of how simple it can be to do so.

2. Limiting and inaccurate beliefs (ex. I’ll look stupid if I ask for help in understanding a concept in a class.)

3. Fear

4. Low self-esteem

5. Pride

Don’t trust me about the helpfulness of this book. Check it out from the library. I’m confident you’ll walk away from the reading with something useful, maybe even life changing.

Cheers,

Dave